However, most couples, especially those that are married, do tend to have joint accounts and share money with each other, most of the time simply because it's easier. This is money going to the people that made him exist and ensured he survived through his childhood years. We seek posts from users who have specific and personal relationship quandaries that other redditors can help them try to solve. He Always Takes More Than He Gives. In most relationships, especially in marriages, both partners give and take when it comes to finances and the financial burden is never put onto one person. This is a modal window. This isnt about his Mom. Giving more money to one child isn't just a monetary issue. That leaves me to contribute the rest, about $3000 for rent, food, and utilities. Parent-adult children relationships like these always mean the child's spouse come second. AH!! Thanks so much for your advice. By now, (I hope) you know that if a man freaks out on the waiter, hes likely going to do the same to you, and those men who hate all of their exes? 2010 The Thought & Expression Company, LLC. All of these things will impact your relationship in addition to easing the obvious financial burden, she says. Now we are renting a small house together. Problem is, his family are always asking for money, and no matter how much it is, he will give, even if he / we can't afford it. There are so many people out there who look like walking disasters financially but that is because they have not been able or called (!) Offering to do something, such as making their car payment, may help them avoid a short-term crisis and give them the little extra time they need to work out of their situation. She has even gone so far as to ask my boyfriend to call certain companys that she owes money to, (to discuss when she will be able to pay her bill, etc.) Also he lied abut the amount he was giving. I know the first step to making it work (if possible) long-term is to move out from his mom, we need to be on our own..but it's getting to that point that I'm struggling with!! He doesnt see it this way. He lives in a rented basement for but has rented his parents a nice apartment/condo. Or youd be forced to drastically lower your living standards to accommodate their support. and don't want her living with you in a group family situation and consuming a lot of the family budget. This is about him and his inability to be emotionally independent from her. When you get more serious with someone, there comes a point where you have to decide if your partner's situation looks permanent/unchangeable or if it only appears to be that way but resolves given time, effort, personal commitment and seriousness about change, and a smart and workable plan. When Its Workable:If your man is a bit shy or a bit of a loner, it doesnt mean you need to dump him. It's got 10k in it so far. That could make it difficult if he wants to buy a home at some point, especially given that he already has student loans. Im also not willing to drain all of my savings when I hope to own a home in the future. Send your tricky money questions to AskPenny@thepennyhoarder.com. Social media platforms are filled with images of perfect bodies and unattainable beauty standards, leading to negative impacts on the self-esteem of individuals. Studying the vast and complicated world of relationships entices me, and I am constantly striving to learn more, so I can then help others with more knowledge and experience. If he doesn't have a plan, he'll never have his debt resolved. You 2 are young able bodied kids just starting your careers. You perfectly describe our situation and possible options. The Laundry/Love Equation:OK, so lets be real: anyone with long workdays and a busy social life knows that take-out numbers are called and tube socks occasionally find a home on the floor. This is a type of financial control, and its definitely a problem. His response was his parents will be able to use social assistance. You guys need to sit down together and work this out peacefully and non-judgmentally. DISCLAIMER: Financial Samurai exists to thought provoke and learn from the community. Relationship advice for women that is researched-backed and data driven and actually works. Family-oriented includes spending quality time together, celebrating with one another, and supporting each other. We had a talk a month ago and I told him how I feel about him supporting his parents this way. I have a good income, own two properties (live in one and rented the other) and not a bad savings. If your spouse has no financial independence from you, it could be because hes going through a tough time and needs financial support. If this is the same arrangement when you are married, it could get worse when mom and hubby make financial decisions together and nothing you can say because you were fine with it. Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts. In this article, we will explore the importance of forgiveness in relationships, and how it can help to create deeper connections and foster growth. A man who knows how to take care of himselfand cares enough to make the effort to do so will be far more inclined to step-up and take care of you than someone who just expects you to live according to his low standards or act as a full time maid-service. His commitment to his parents is like having two college age demanding children that ones has agree to support, only that his situation is relatively permanent. Your boyfriends life is on hold as long as he allows this arrangement to continue. It would give you peace on both levels to get some options on the table. Do not focus on his mom. Posted August 10, 2016. We have had the talk and I told him how I feel about his parents dependance on him. I earn more than him (55k),he's on 30k,and we want to buy a house, throw a wedding (we've only said our vows so far) and save for kids. There are people who are 55-65 that start their own businesses - so the age is not an argument. He gives them 350 every month. And how unfortunate she feels that his son has to work so hard to provide for them. Perhaps you feel as if youre the one doing all the hard work and your husband is just spending your money? As crucial as knowing your partner's salary is understanding his financial habits and insecurities about money. Love knows no boundaries, and it is not unusual for individuals of different ages to fall in love. He's putting money towards your family goals (10K saved ain't nuthin') and also using money to support his family. And if his mother is very dependent, there's a good chance that even if you move out and marry, as soon as you marry he'll move her right into your house and you are in the position of either having to accept it or else divorce him. Tell him that she can get roommates if she doesn't want to live alone, and she can learn to live within her means rather than depending on the two of you, but you are just not willing to live in a situation where you support her for the next 30 years because you have other goals like getting married and having kids etc. Started Yesterday at 03:44 PM, By If he cannot pay his bills 99 . When Its Not:If your dude confuses co-dependency with love, doesnt really have any interests or passions (read: boring) or sacrifices his alone time in order to keep you from going out and enjoying yours, it might be time to move forward on your own. My bf and I have discussed getting engaged within the next few years, which has made me begin to think of EVERYTHING in our relationship - not just the "love" part. Shesays an ability to make a long-term commitment gives insight into his value system. He is smart, has a good career and very hard working at this point, I believe he can makeup for his financial shortcomings if he didnt have this huge commitment. Though you say hes been receptive, it doesnt sound like hes taken any action to alleviate your concerns. You need to verify if this is true, by the way. Here it goes: My boyfriend (26 going on 27) and I (21) have been together for two years and for the past year he and I have shared a 2bdroom 2 bath apartment with his mother. I chalk these things up to being the side effects of a full life. This issue has always been my concern since the day I learn about it 2-3 months in our dating. And if it all is true it also means he's very under his parents thumb and that's a whole other kettle of fish - have you even met these people? There are some people who will live with their parents their whole lives and expect their spouse to accept it. PRIVACY: We will never disclose or sell your email address or any of your data from this site. If you would like to change your settings or withdraw consent at any time, the link to do so is in our privacy policy accessible from our home page.. The site owner may have set restrictions that prevent you from accessing the site. I'd explore what the meaning of this financial support is and what his end goal is to wean her or not. Some people have dependent children and they have to pay child support. Of course, your man might just be really bad with finances and not know the right way to manage money. I was upset because he made a big show of promising to buy it, I told his sister he was going to buy me a coat, and then when we where in the shop, he said it was too expensive and he could only afford half. He has no savings or own property because of bad financial decisions that has left him $50k in the hole. BUT if he refuses to talk about it, deflects, gets angry, talks only in generalities of the "Oh you know, just dumb decisions," but won't give specifics, tells you that it will be addressed AFTER you marry or it's so unromantic to talk about these things or this proves you don't love him then run far away and fast. Sexless Marriage Effect on a Husband: What Is It and What Can You Do? It will accumulate in time and destroy your relationship by chipping away at your respect for him and your trust that he can offer you a sense of balance and security. I was really embarrassed. Son is 50k in the red, he needs to prioritize his finances before he has to declare bankruptcy in the future. If hes not fighting for something as important as his career, how can you expect him to fight beside you when the going gets tough? Its essential that this be a defined amount. And completely unsustainable. As mentioned, its often difficult to tell if someone is using you financially. . And really, who wants to make out with a man baby? But, if your spouse is trying to take advantage of you for your finances, they will be reckless with your money, spending it on anything and everything they want - this is a huge red flag. If his entire family is adding you on Facebook the first month or your meeting the family on the first few dates, youre seeing big, red flags, she says. To be fair to him, he does buy me flowers, and chocolates and he pays 70% of the time we go out. Post author: Post published: June 29, 2022; Post category: spectrum cable line repair; I am not saying to feel sorry for him or to pity him. But you're not obligated to financially support him. We have grown up with fairy tales and romantic comedies that have told us that the ultimate goal in life is to find our true love and live happily ever after. In this video from OWN, Iyanla talks to a husband who adheres to the "family comes first" philosophy and prioritizes his relatives over his wife: If you are in the same situation where your spouse believes that family comes first and forgets his responsibility as a husband, the first step is to pray. But a year later, he is saying he doesn't think he and I will be able to move out from living with his mom anytime soon because he says we are not financially responsible and his mom needs help financially. I think it's a very real possibility that situation quickly becomes an expectation. applestorangesJanuary 30, 2012 in Relationship Advice. But aside from the obvious traits one should avoid in a mate: aggression (passive or outright), disrespect, a lack of manners, empathy and/or intelligence, there are those red flags that look a softer shade of pink behind rose-colored glasses. I think its important to get to the root of the matter and find out why he feels obligated to help her out in the manner that he does. (And read my 21 pieces of unsolicited advice for you, the brokenhearted.) You do not have to break up yet but you need to get away from this. It can be an incredibly difficult situation to deal with, both emotionally and financially when your husband is financially irresponsible. Family issues like this are a perfect example of how money is more about mind than it is about math. Let me make a distinction of what I am NOT saying here: I am not saying to reassure him. My boyfriend works 40+ hours a week at a office type job that he HATES and bairly makes enough to get by and I work also 40+ hours a week as an office admin making ok money, and he and I are both trying to complete our college educations by taking night classes so things are tight right now..having his mom act like a helpless 2 year old, sitting on her kiester ALL damn day while I'm at work and then at school - PISSES ME OFF! He's supporting his parents financially while living with them and working two jobs. That's why we need to have a house and children sooner rather than later, Pps. He's obviously going to expect you to take care of his share and needs if you're going to be living somewhere nicer than a basement, unless he has plans to cut the cord one day but you didn't mention that. Yet he buys them tickets (not on regular basis) to visit family and their grand kids (the other sibling), enrolls them in various programs so they dont get bored, and thinks its very normal. TOPE OMOGBOLAGUN writes about the challenges of having a spouse who doesn't support their partner financially. They continue to ask for financial help. His parents dont have any other source of income at least for next 3 years or so until they become citizens and qualify for some sort of social assistance. Subscribe to our free Business by the Bay newsletter. The hard part is our kids. I wouldnt want him to stop supporting them if they need the help. The blood is thicker than water approach is going to get in the way of your long-term love, warns Estes. It is not your position to lend or give . Read this: I Hacked Into A Cam Girls Computer And What I Found Truly Terrified Me, The Teaser Trailer For Daisy Jones & The Six Just DroppedHeres Everything We Know SoFar, The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever ToldYou. Sadly i think there is nothing much you can do here other than set specific dates, as in you intend to move out on date X and he can make his decision then whether he is going to live independently from him mother then and come with you or whether he is going to continue on this same path. You accept his family are using him, but that doesn't justify my behavior towards our finances. He is a really nice gentleman. Manage Settings Hes supporting his parents financially while living with them and working two jobs. First, talk to your boyfriend about it. How come it is OK for him to give his mom money and cater to her needs/sugar coat EVERYTHING for her..but he is so mean, nasty and down right just hard on me? Then, she will spend money on clothes, her boyfriend, even things for making SCRAP BOOKS - but she does not have enough money to help out with bills? If your man is always pushing you to work, whether it be that hes encouraging you to take on extra hours at the office or get more clients, whilst he does nothing to contribute to your life together, its because he wants your income to increase so he can have access to more money. My boyfriend and I have wanted to move in together for a few years. Unfortunately, our website is currently unavailable in your area. Were looking for an apartment that we can afford together, which, given our expenses, shouldnt be an issue. I earn slightly less but dont have many debts or expenses. Make sure the source is set correctly and that CORS support is enabled. And scrapbooking is expensive! If the mom truly has financial issues that stem from emotional problems, i could see whre he would say "we will give mom $150 a month for x amount of time" or whatever, but she shouldn't be treated like his wife or child being doled out money. Boyfriend's financially supporting his mom!!! If you have any questions or requests, please contact us at 727-317-5800. If you are unhappy in your marriage and you feel alone, used, unappreciated, or unloved, as mentioned above, its either time to sort the situation out with your partner and get back on track with your marriage, or its time to decide to call it quits and say go one way whilst your partner goes the other. But now he said, the sibling cant afford having 3 kids and all. However, in recent years, the idea of being single has gained more acceptance and understanding. I am wondering where you live that you pay $1100 a month for an apartment? His mom has even recently had a heart-to-heart with me and said "I know I have not been trying as hard as I could to get another job or make more money, and it's time for mommy to stand on her own to feet so her son can grow up and start a life with you. Started Tuesday at 03:06 AM, By Its awful being in a relationship where you feel like youre being used, nevermind a marriage. When he gets desperate, something will definately pop up. He Gets Annoyed When You Spend Money On Yourself, 11. Not only is she asking another woman's husband for money, this is not the first time she's done so. Is Your Anxiety Sabotaging YourRelationship? Youre not moving in together until hes brought his support to a sustainable level. I want to have kids before 30 as I'm worried for my health after. Because to me it makes zero sense they made good money but never did anything for retirement, that there's another sibling who doesn't contribute and that he's paying for two places when most people taking care of parents live with them. His mindset is and always has been that she comes first and he has not set up boundaries. Thanks for the advice. If your spouse is using you for your finances, he will ensure that all of the household finances fall back on you. Idk what's with these comments but this is weird to me too. It did not ruin any of my relationships probably because I always made enough money to afford it. if mom walks into their bedroom while they are in there asking for money, the boundaries stink. Overall, this man shows me his good attitude and actions outside of money matters. OP needs to figure out if she's the one to give this dude the wake up call or back off completely. If your guy is taking your money and spending it on himself, doing things that dont actually benefit you, for example, buying himself new clothes or going out with his friends, it could be a sign that hes using you. Laughter is often referred to as the best medicine, and it's no wonder why. Started Monday at 06:41 PM, By Therefore, it is critical to understand why your character matters more than you think. His parents are not citizens (yet) and dont qualify for Social Security. When Its Workable:If he just doesnt know how to clean the toilet or chop an onion, but is open to learning, feel free to move past go. If they are addictions or whatever, then flag it, because certain character flaws or major underlying problems may be here to stay. For the record, I only earn more than him while I'm loccuming, and that means no sick pay or holiday. No matter how feminist a man may be, it . What happens when he is married and its THEIR money? He was one of the very smart ppl in his program and got his degree in less than 3years etc. Much of this depends upon his emotional maturity and willingness to cooperate and work on it together. As harsh as this sounds you have to face facts here. In the beginning, it did not bother me that much that she lived with us because she was hardly ever at home, so it was like we had the place to ourselves and I did not exactly understand how much she contributed (financially) and how much my boyfriend helped her. The Family/Relationship Equation:Its important to remember that every family has a different set of values and boundaries, but your guy needs to know where his childhood ends and adulthood begins. 3. And when the business went down, he lost his savings and left with a debt which he can only manage to pay minimum payment. When Its Not:Is your man always having work problems or making excuses to stay unemployed until he finds the perfect job? Ps. The Life Of His Own/Relationship Equation:Im obviously not suggesting that every woman start loving the idea of a Costa Rican bachelor party blow-out (sorry, gentlemen, I know too much), but imagine never having time to unwind with your girls over a bottle of wine or take that trip to the ultimate spa retreat with your bestie? He cooks, you clean. Even if true, I told him I dont mind he doesnt have a house or in debt, one thing I have hard time accepting is giving a min of $2k/mo to them. Start looking now at what the price range would be for an apartment with the assumption that each of you will pay half the bills. His parents are older and currently unemployed. It doesnt mean you have to end things if you dont get along with the family in the beginning. In a world of dating sites and swiping right, couples who do everything together may seem retro and cute from the outside, but theres a real value in flying solo, even when attached. We've had a lot of problems in our relationship, and even though we really love each other, I doubt the compatibility of the relationship. He also has student debt. A man working towards a larger goal or fighting for a higher paying position is a lot different from someone who unreliable, lacks ambition or is lazy, she says. My bf has made bad financial decisions (according to him) in past and has lost all of his savings and now he is ~ negative $50k. He has stood by my side through the very rough cancer diagnosis and my recovery.Two years ago, when I victoriously beat cancer, we went away for an idyllic beach . The societal norm of being in a relationship or getting married has been ingrained in our minds since childhood. The other long-standing issue #2 is his 'bad financial decisions'.